Scarce solace
Scarce solace (source : The Star)
CLINICAL psychologist Cheong Sau Kuan admits that there is very limited support for bereaved parents in Malaysia. Support groups are difficult to maintain and it doesn’t help that Malaysia has only 40 over qualified clinical psychologists.
“And most of them are in the Klang Valley, so that’s a big problem,” she said.
Also, there’s still this stigma that when a person sees a psychologist, that means the person is “crazy”.
“They do not realise that psychologists do not only deal with mental illnesses but with a variety of mental health problems,” she said.
“But a lot Asians still view this topic (the issue of death, especially the death of a child) as a sensitive topic. Not many people would like to voice out and say what’s in their hearts,” she said.
Therefore a bereaved parent depends on the support of spouse and family members, she said.
If you’ve lost a child …
A parent goes through several stages of grief, such as denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. They may not happen in this exact sequence and, along with the grief, comes physical symptoms such as crying, lack of appetite or energy. Sometimes, they have more complaints of physical aches and pain.
“This could carry on for a few months to a year, just for them to accept the fact that it (the death) has happened,” she said. The bereaved couple has to understand that grief is not an overnight thing and it takes time to heal. However, it’s important for them to return to their normal routine.
“A lot of people think that if they get back to their normal routine, it’s like forgetting their child. It’s not like that. You still remember them in your heart and feel sad, but you do need to get back to the routine of life again,” she said.
Support groups are helpful as they consist of people in the same boat as you. It helps you realise that you’re not alone, she said.
“A support group gives them a place that is safe and comfortable to voice out,” she said. It also gives those who do not have strong family or spousal support somewhere to turn to. It’s good to share your feelings as it’s not healthy to keep them bottled up inside. Neither is it healthy to blame someone else for what has happened as that just increases the anger.
“The more they blame, the more their anger builds up,” she explained.
Family and spousal support is very crucial at a time like this.
“Understand that you and your spouse have different ways of grieving for your child. Accept that and support each other,” she said.
“Show them that it’s OK to cry and that you understand that they’re sad. Let them relieve the feelings that they have.”
When you have a surviving child …
Many parents who have lost a child do not know what to say to the surviving child. Some may even try to conceal the matter from the child.
Cheong once attended the funeral of a child and she saw some children there who looked shocked and lost.
After witnessing a coffin going to a cremation room, one of the children asked her: “So, what happens after that?”
“They were very confused as nobody had told them what had happened,” she explained.
It is very important to tell the children in the household exactly what has happened and to explain what happens when people die.
Some children may blame themselves for the death of their sibling, and they may carry that guilt with them as they grow up. Therefore, it is best to correct that belief.
Tell them about their sibling’s death appropriately and in a sensitive manner.
For example: “Don’t say that dying is like ‘going to sleep’ as this may scare them and they may not want to go to sleep,” she said.
Some people say that one shouldn’t explain death to a child as they are too young to understand.
“Children are children, they do understand,” she said. They do understand that the parents have changed and the household is now ‘different’.
“They are also afraid and we must help them to understand as well,” she said.
At Cheong’s clinic at Sunway College, there are books for children about death. Cheong often uses these books to explain what death means and what has happened. Sometimes, she uses books about the death of a pet which are also appropriate.
“It’s important to share your feelings with your child so that they know that mummy and daddy are sad too.
“You can cry with them and hug them while you do so, but avoid having a breakdown in front of your children as that may scare the children,” she said.
When you know someone who has lost a child…
“Many people do not know how to respond to a parent who has lost a child,” she said.
Therefore, many don’t know what to say or how to console the bereaved parent. Some even avoid the bereaved parent, which only makes them feel isolated.
“Treat them as normal as possible. Ask them out for lunch, give them back their routine. Try not to avoid them nor avoid talking about children.
“The more you try to avoid talking about it, the more it’s going to come out,” she said.
“Treat them like any other people, like normal. But you have to understand that there will be situations where they will be upset.”
Some bereaved parents may find it difficult to get back on track at work, so do assist them.
“If they need to cry, allow them to. Give them that shoulder to cry on,” she said.
“The worst thing you can tell a bereaved parent is, ‘Don’t worry, you’re still young. You can still get another child.’ The child can never replace the child they’ve lost.
“Neither should you say: ‘It’s okay, you still have other children.’
“When you lose a child, you lose a child. Every child is an individual,” she said.