I was introduced to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’s book by Prof. Lucy Lum who was my deceased son’s final medical caregiver. She lent me a book which she bought from Amazon as there aren’t that many books available locally on coping with grief.

In fact, I have several books now, which was posted to me by parents from USA. We exchange these books amongst our grief support group members. If you live in Malaysia and wish to borrow from me, I can gladly mailed them to you, FOC. However, some of these books are based on the Christian faith but it is not totally meant to minister.

One of the most authorative writer on death and coping with an impending death is Dr. Elisabeth Ross who worked with dying children and adults. She has also written several other books on coping with grief.

For those who lost their loved ones, you may find the website by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler comforting. They have answers to most of the questions often asked by bereaved families. Some examples :

How Long will Grief Last? Do I Ever Get over the Loss of a Loved-One?

Grief is the healing process that helps us deal with the loss of a loved-one. Grief does not have a clear beginning or clear end to it. Rather, it is a reflection of feelings surrounding the loss. Grief will ebb and flow throughout our life after a loss. We don’t get over the loss of someone, but we learn to live with that loss. We also will eventually remember and honor our loved one without feeling pain. We will grieve as long as we need to.

I Have a Friend in Grief: How Can I Help?

One of the mistakes we make is asking people in deep grief how we can help them. They are often too lost in their own sorrow to identify needs. It’s OK to ask; but just know you can step in and help. For instance, if it’s after the funeral at a reception and the trash needs to be taken out – don’t ask, just help. In the old days we would gather around the loved one and just do things for them. Bring over some food so that they don’t have cook but can still eat well. You probably know their life - offer to pick up the kids, help them with their yard, offer to take them on errands. See the ten ways I can help you (link)

I stumbled on this blog by Hee Boon whom has passed on in August, 2006.

Foo Hee Boon

30 March 1967 – 4 August 2006

Relative and friends to mourn their loss
To die a good death is to have lived a great life…come celebrate my life at my funeral services

I had spent some time reading through his entries about his fight with cancer.  His courage, positive thinking, cheerful entries and strong determination just made me speechless.  I hope everyone will take a little time to see how Hee Boon has viewed his illness as a ‘gift’.  Here is the entry written by a Blog Custodian on Hee Boon’s behalf which I hope inspired many:

End of a great chapter

Dear all,

As a blog custodian, I received news from Vivian (Hee Boon’s sister) that Hee Boon passed away peacefully at 1.50 am this morning.

I’m sure he has touched the hearts of many and Vivian would like to thank all who have given encouragement and love during this ‘new adventure’ of his. He will definitely be missed by many.

As what he had shared with us through his blog, we must ‘make meaning’ out of the event. (For those who read his blogs, he wrote a subject on ‘making meaning’ on May 22nd 2005). He viewed the newly discovered cancer as a ‘gift’ and chose what he wanted to do with it and touched many hearts. In the same spirit, we should also make meaning out of his great adventure and choose what we want to do with it. Personally, his adventure simply means ‘the greatest adventure ever told’ and shall be shared as my best example when I discuss with people on encouragement and power of mind.

Rest in peace, Hee Boon!

My father died when I was about seven years old.  At that time, everything seems to happen  ‘outside’ my world and I was  just looking in.  Sometimes, a grieving parent may be too emotional over the loss of their spouse and overlook the inner fears of a small child over the loss of one of the parent.

Looking back, I wished my mother had allowed me the chance to grieve over the death instead of detaching all emotions like I did.  This left a big vaccum in  part of my teenage’s life until when I was much, much older and  was able to accept that death is just part of living.
Here is a short guide on helping children to cope and they have even segregate the ages and how to deal with each age group:

NEW YORK (Reuters) — Watching a parent die of a terminal disease is traumatic for any child, but families can take steps to help them through it, according to researchers.

Age, they say, makes a substantial difference in how children understand and react to a parent’s illness, and a 4-, 7- and 9-year-old all need very different types of support.

Writing in CA: A Cancer Journal for Clinicians, Drs. Grace H. Christ and Adolph E. Christ describe what they learned in interviews with 87 families of children who’d lost a parent to cancer.

With 3- to 5-year-olds, one of the most important things is to consistently reassure them during their parent’s illness that they will be taken care of, according to the researchers, who are based at Columbia University and SUNY Health Science Center in New York.

Children between the ages of 6 and 8, on the other hand, understand death. But they may be highly emotional and even blame themselves for their parent’s illness, according to the researchers.

With 9- to 11-year-old children, the researchers advise families to give detailed information about the parent’s illness and treatment so they will know what to expect. Children this age even benefit from being able to help in their parent’s care, the authors note, but they should not have any major responsibility.

After a parent’s death, the researchers say, it’s best for children in all these age groups to get back to school and their normal activities as soon as they can, to maintain a sense of stability in their lives.

 (full article on CNN.com)

My father died when I was about seven years old.  At that time, everything seems to happen  ‘outside’ my world and I was  just looking in.  Sometimes, a grieving parent may be too emotional over the loss of their spouse and overlook the inner fears of a small child over the loss of one of the parent.

Looking back, I wished my mother had allowed me the chance to grieve over the death instead of detaching all emotions like I did.  This left a big vaccum in  part of my teenage’s life until when I was much, much older and  was able to accept that death is just part of living.
Here is a short guide on helping children to cope and they have even segregate the ages and how to deal with each age group:

NEW YORK (Reuters) — Watching a parent die of a terminal disease is traumatic for any child, but families can take steps to help them through it, according to researchers.

Age, they say, makes a substantial difference in how children understand and react to a parent’s illness, and a 4-, 7- and 9-year-old all need very different types of support.

Writing in CA: A Cancer Journal for Clinicians, Drs. Grace H. Christ and Adolph E. Christ describe what they learned in interviews with 87 families of children who’d lost a parent to cancer.

With 3- to 5-year-olds, one of the most important things is to consistently reassure them during their parent’s illness that they will be taken care of, according to the researchers, who are based at Columbia University and SUNY Health Science Center in New York.

Children between the ages of 6 and 8, on the other hand, understand death. But they may be highly emotional and even blame themselves for their parent’s illness, according to the researchers.

With 9- to 11-year-old children, the researchers advise families to give detailed information about the parent’s illness and treatment so they will know what to expect. Children this age even benefit from being able to help in their parent’s care, the authors note, but they should not have any major responsibility.

After a parent’s death, the researchers say, it’s best for children in all these age groups to get back to school and their normal activities as soon as they can, to maintain a sense of stability in their lives.

 (full article on CNN.com)

So. Here you are.

Absorbing every word.

And through you and this

ome of me will float in everlasting time.

Poem By: Yvonne Tan 13 Oct 2004

YVONNE TAN 2nd September 1980 - 10th June 2006

(click here to go to Yvonne’s site)

I can’t find the word to describe this beautifuly, lively Yvonne. Please surf to the memorial site her family as set up for her to glimpse at what living is. It is about living, not dying. Be sure to check out the song sung by her. I hope all will be inspired by the strength her family has shown despite the obstacles they face. Yvonne, I may not know you but I suppose it is not coincidence that I bumped into a total stranger that is your Uncle in a bookstore.

Dear Yvonne, Knowing you and how your family accepted your death will give me more courage to continue my mission of providing the avenue for bereaved parents to find support. Yeah, baby! (ala Austin Power!)