My Healing Path

As a bereaved parent, one of the most difficult task was the breaking of the news to my other children that their baby brother had died. It takes a lot of composure on our part to break the news gently to them. I didn’t want them to be too traumatised by the situation because I know that moment will stay with them for a very long time, or may never be forgotten at all.

As my son was already critically ill for months before that, I have the chance to be prepared for the worst.

I found this article from BBC about helping bereaved children. I hope parents will find them useful in helping children to cope with the deaths of their grandparents and other loved ones.

Breaking the news

It’s never easy to break the news of a death to a child. If the child isn’t told, he or she may be left confused, possibly imagining things worse than the reality. It’s therefore important that:

• you, as a parent, or someone known to and trusted by the child tells him or her of the death soon after it’s occurred, using touch to comfort and console.
• you use simple, factual words or phrases such as ‘dead’ or ‘has died’ to avoid confusion in the child’s mind. Phrases such as ‘going to heaven’, ’slipped away’ or ‘God has taken him’ can be frightening or misleading.
• you answer a child’s questions truthfully and as often as they’re asked, and admit to not knowing the answer to a question if necessary.
• you practise open and honest communication at all times. Shedding tears is normal and indicates to the child how much the dead person meant to you.
• you inform your child’s school of the death and ask for the support of individual teachers as necessary.
• you accept children as bereaved people and don’t push them aside.

Children and dead bodies

It can be important for adults to see the dead body as long as they feel comfortable. It reinforces the ‘deadness’ and confirms that the person is no longer living. To say goodbye not only emphasises the finality of death but is also a natural reaction to someone leaving us.

Like adults, children - even young ones - need to make choices after gentle preparation. They too may want to say goodbye, place a favourite toy or flowers in the coffin, or write a letter of farewell.

Children at funerals

A funeral is a special family occasion, which marks the end of someone’s life and gives children an opportunity to be involved with the rituals. Children need to be prepared in advance so that they know what to expect and to choose whether they want to attend.

There’s no evidence to show that children who go to funerals are harmed; in fact, the opposite is true. If they choose not to go, a trusted adult should be with them while the funeral takes place. Perhaps the service could be recorded or filmed for use at a later stage.