The issues on coping with perinatal deaths covered in ‘The Star’ dated 29th July, 2002 gives us a just glimpse on the impact of trauma faced by mothers who lost their child/children due to still-births. It also gives everyone an insight on the lack of grief support to be found in our country. Grief counselors experienced in handling bereaved parents like Dr. Kala are very few in our multi-religious, multi-racial society.
We have terms like widow, widowers and orphans but there is no word to describe parents who lost their child due to deaths. Probably, this is not the normal arrangement of things and thus, no proper term is necessary. Unfortunately, parents losing their child/children are not very rare occurrence. We read about children dying due to motor vehicle accidents, murders, sickness, child-abuse, drowning, suicides and so many others in our local papers daily. Child/children mentioned do not have an age limit. It can be a fetus, an unborn child, a small baby, toddler, small child or even adult child. The pain the parents felt is the same regardless of age, religion, cultural background, social position, race, nationality or the circumstances which the child/children died.
I am a bereaved mother myself and at the time of writing this article, I had just lost my baby for less than 3 months. However, I am able to rise above my grief because of my faith in God and also the wide resources available to me. I have the support of a couple of mothers locally who had also lost their children. Some of my friends mailed me books from USA on coping with the loss of a child. Immediately after the death of my baby, I plunge myself into the internet world and signed up with several grief support groups. With whatever computer knowledge that I have, I managed to set up a website to hold the memories of my son. On top of this, I also devote my time to help my Malaysian friends to make memorial pages for their babies. Feeling that I am not doing enough, I am now a moderator for a grief support ministry set up by a pastor in Texas, USA recently. There are about 70 members worldwide and all the members comprised mothers and grandmothers who lost their child/children. Being a moderator, my job is mainly to see that all the members are made to feel welcome and that they are not alone. Every one freely shares their fears, pain, experiences and at times, anger.
Being able to do all the above has greatly helped me because I know that locally, I would never be able to find the support I needed. There are hardly any reading resources available. Culturally, I am expected to forget my son so that he can be reborn and start a new life. Socially, every one pretended that he never existed. Sadly, I am also the person to be avoided if you are pregnant or have pregnant relatives! It is like my misfortune would rub off on the next person. Religiously (my previous religion), I was not allowed to keep a grave site for him. Thus, there is very little avenue that grieving mothers can vent their emotions and pains. Ironically, I also realize that no local support group will ever take off because of our social inhibitions and hard to eliminate judgmental views. Frankly, if you are a grieving mother, the last thing you want is to meet a group to talk about your pain. Even without opening your mouth, your ‘flood-gates’ will over flows first. And talking about judgmental, I now that it is one of the hardest hurdle to cross. I have known many admirable women who experienced a wide range of deaths of their children. I have learned to respect each and every circumstances and each and every person. I learn to be more aware and thus more compassionate. Under age mothers, child-abuse, teenage suicide, AIDS, negligence, drugs overdose are probably not some of the things that our society would bring to light. These are some of our so-called taboo subjects. Thus, I guess all children’s death will be quietly buried with the death.
Though we may want to keep it as quiet as possible, I also know that not many women could emotionally handle this pain. I had personally seen marriages breaking up because the father did not acknowledge his grief in the same way as the wife. I had personally known a mother who experienced mental breakdown due to feeling guilty that her still-born is angry with her for not bothering to have a look before allowing the hospital authority to dispose of the body. I also know many women who never really forgets but merely pretending to live the life society and loved ones expected them to do. Unless and until they have a chance or avenue to talk to another mother who understands, they will have to live alone with this heavy burden. I like to believe that with time, the pain will lessens. However, from what I observed, this is not the case because the memories of the child will forever cling on to the mother. It is more tragic in cases where the child is more grown-up and there are more memories to treasure. In many situations, the cause of the death can also cause a lot of guilt and regrets. When these disrupted the normal course of grieving, the mother’s perspective on life greatly clouded. The lives of her loved ones around her suffer.
You may note that I frequently refer to the mother. This is the normal situation because the mother has the child in her womb, usually for 9 months longer and the bond is thus stronger. Generally, women are also more emotional than men. This can be one of the most sensitive issues because of the difference in the way a mother and a father grieve. Therefore, it is very important that women have the right place or safe haven for them to voice their personal conflicts in order to resolve these differences of views. It would be helpful if women can seek out one another to talk about their problems before allowing things to brew in their minds. Seeking out a counselor is different from seeking out support groups. We need counselors when our emotions disrupt with our normal daily routine. Whereas, the support group can and will ease all the little worries, doubts and bumps in their grief journey. Having someone to just listen to all the little things about our departed ones helps one to keep in touch with the person. Knowing someone who had traveled the same path and lending an ear and a shoulder to another grieving mother helps tremendously.
Therefore, I hope that this article could reach a few mothers who are in the same shoe as me. Please do not have any doubts about looking around if you need someone to share your pain. I know the amount of pain one can faced in our societies if you have a child who died. Although I do not face many of the unpleasant situations, I know that we may feel that the people around us can be insensitive and crude. Let me quote some of the situations which I hope you can relate. I allow myself to think that my baby is better off in Heaven with wings than on earth with severe mental and physical handicaps. However, I am truly annoyed when another person tells me this because it is like I am compromising my responsibility of being a mother and am seeking the easy way out. I also get withdrawn because I found that I cannot stand being around with people who passionately talk about things which I seem frivolous. My view on life changed drastically and I know that I will never see things the same way again. My lifestyles changed and I do not enjoy the same things I did previously. I used to immerse myself into the world of Hong Kong soap operas and Hollywood movies. My tears and laughter used to depend on the stories line cooked up by the producers.
I know that my devotion in helping other grieving mothers is going to be a life-long commitment. Some of my greatest, supportive internet friends are now grandmothers. However, I would rather be doing this because I am still able to vocally talk about my son. Otherwise, these ‘talks’ may ended up swirling and looming in my own mind. After all, grieving mothers know that there is never a day passed that they do not think of their departed child. I also prefer to unload my buckets of tears in front of my cold, flat monitor with my internet friends than to hold them back and having them spill out in the wrong place with the wrong person! Therefore, visit my website at http://www.geocities.com/my_little_vincent if you need grieving group support because there are a few links there. My e-mail is also available on the site.
Written by: Chan Lilian
Date : 29 July 2002